Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
