I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I came so hard my ears popped.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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