you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
The uberlube is also flammable
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
