Are we in a gay sports bar?
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
