If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Randomize
