So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
