I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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