Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
