I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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