i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
found the other keg... it's in the tree
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
