Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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