did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
