Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I haven't been this sober since birth.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
