Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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