I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
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I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
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Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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