Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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