I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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