Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
