I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
