I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
