I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
