Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
