Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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