you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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