mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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