There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
