how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
