cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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