the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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