I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
