I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
