New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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