Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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