Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
