True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
