I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
