Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
