Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
