I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
