I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
