Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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