ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
