I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
