I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Sext me about skeletons
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
