Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
