rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
