thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
