i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
