i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
