i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
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