I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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