I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
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Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
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i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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