I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
