Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
