you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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