I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
