So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
high people should be assigned attendants
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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