I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The best revenge is premature balding
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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