Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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