I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
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so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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