oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
