The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
